I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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