my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
