I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
