just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
