I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
