pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
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he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
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Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means