if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
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I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
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I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress