I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart