Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize