hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
