I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
