I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
