is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
