is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
