If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
