my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
