I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
A bitchslap is in order.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
