so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
