dude i'm inner monologue high
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
