So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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