barbara walters just said penis...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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