i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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