The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
