If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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