I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
