Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
