Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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