you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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