Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
