you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
