Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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