I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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