FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
