I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
