We named our party play list daddy issues
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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