There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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