my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
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Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just pee around me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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