Tell her she can't have a vagina
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
