you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Alive.
So much puke
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
