I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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