Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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