You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
