I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
