I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
