i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
