I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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