Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
