Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
