if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
