I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
