remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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