This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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