i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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