Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
