Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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