im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
